Saturday, March 5, 2011

Slow growing...

"What do you think I am - an invalid?" Thrusting my feet down I forced the wheelchair to an abrupt halt, "I can walk just fine. My blood pressure would have to be lower than 88/60 for me to pass out. Trust me!"

"Caitlin! The nurse said you have to!"

"I'm going to walk." I snapped, gathering up my water bottle, purse, and orders for IV fluids. I stepped to the side and headed for the entrance. Shaila in a puddle of exasperation.

"Are you done with that wheelchair?" I heard a grandmotherly woman sweetly ask. Shaila nodded resignedly and turned to follow me.

"You're just like Papa!" She fumed, referring to my grandfathers' legendary obstinacy, "And I don't mean that to be a compliment!"

Ignoring her comment I trudge to the low wall outside the drop off for the cancer center and sit down, suddenly cold from the wind and weaker then I would admit. I knew I needed to budget energy for walking into the infusion center on the other side of the hospital.

"You can just pick me up when you drive by."

And I shivered grace-less. Sick. Stubborn. Rude... Again.

And I sat on cold stone and spat truth at myself. Each time I journey into grace to learn His footsteps I circle back to the same spot of ungratefulness. Hurting those I love the most and barricading myself with pretended self sufficiency.

Forgive me, for I know what I am doing. It is not what I want - nor His wish either.

But this I still seek: to "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 3:18

Growing is slow.
Grace beautiful.

And His Love is more stubborn then I can ever be.

For this - I am so grateful.

3 comments:

Bill said...

Dear Caitlin,
I can empathize with the physical and emotional state of mind your were in as recorded in this Blog. Oh yes.
One 5 minute segment, One Hour, One Day at a time. Keep remembering that GOD renews HIS Grace every morning.
Hugs From Afar,
Great Uncle Bill

Steve said...

Caitlin,
Your thoughts are beautifully expressed and more universal that you might imagine, though at times we, your world, might not know the truth as you have expressed it. Thank you.
May God continue to bless you.
"Little Steve"
(Terry's cousin from the Meharry clan)

Shaila Meharry said...

Yes, you are impossible sometimes! : ) But I love you all the more, sister.