Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Here - A wonderful place to be!

When my oncologist said, "You're one of my favorite patients, you know," I laughed and wondered quietly if he tells all of his patients that or if it's simply because I'm still alive after all these months. And I wondered at the courage it takes to come into work every morning and fight grim odds when so many cancer patients die. So I thank him for his commitment. He tells me to keep praying.

But honestly I've never asked God for my life. Not because I don't believe in prayer, but because I trust His brains over my own. Ultimately the life and death decisions are His alone anyway. I know my perception of 'what is grace' can be warped by my desire for comfort and my idea of happiness. So I do not wish to fight His wisdom. The mystery of why I am here and others like my dear sweet cousin Valerie are not, is far too heavy for my very human heart. It is not for me to understand or carry. As C.S. Lewis wrote, each of us are told only our own story.

My own story has had surprising turns this year and now I have arrived at the end of a chapter: Diagnosis, surgery, and chemo. A place that was once very hard to imagine. With my first clear CT scan behind me and no more chemo scheduled there is a new horizon. Uncharted discoveries within the realm of time. A journey to regain strength, discover purpose, and live new chapters.

My courage for the future stems from His provision in the past. And His provision has been miraculous! The miracles of the hospital forgiving my bill of over $100,000 from the hospitalization in January before I had insurance. The gifts of kind hearts who carried me in their prayers and gave generously to keep other medical bills out of collections. Whether I have needed a ride to an appointment, a book to read, vitamins, a song, a meal, or a hug - I have never once lacked! Thank you! My gratitude spills over!

13 comments:

Jackie said...

Caitlin, as I read this I had tears of gratitude for your life as well. The life that has represented Jesus so accurately and so beautifully. May He continue to strengthen you day by day as you continue to live by faith in Him! Lots of hugs to you :)

kessia reyne said...

Praise, praise, praise the LORD!

Kelli Jean said...

Amen!!!

Chopsticks on Oboe said...

I don't think your oncologist says that just to be nice. If I had you as a patient, you would be my favorite by far!!

I am so so so so thankful that you are okay! God's blessings fill our cup; pressed down, shaken together, and run over. Love you!!

shama said...

I am so thankful for your life and the way you represent Christ so clearly. I'm pretty sure you'd be my favorite patient, too!

Alex said...

My goodness.. I just found your page, your soo sweet yet so strong!! May God keep on Blessing you!! I'm praying for you!

Paula said...

Caitlin, I am always so blessed and inspired when I have a few minutes to read your blog. Thank you for trusting the Lord so implicitly and for inspiring me to do the same. This evening I was surprised to learn that Valerie was your cousin. How are you related?

EEK said...

Caitlin--what a testimony you are! As I have prayed for you throughout this time, my comment to friends who don't know you has always been that your life is one of the most beautiful that I have ever seen... beautiful in that it is so completely given to God.

Blessings, friend

Geta Grama said...

My best wishes for a speedy recovery. I am so glad you are okay!
Geta

Caitlin said...

Thank you for your kind words dear friends! I am grateful for your support and prayers - it means so much to me.

Mrs. Paula, Valerie's mom and my mom are 1st cousins.

Life hope and adventures said...

You are an inspiration! I can see Jesus through you!

Brian said...

Caitlin! So glad to hear that your CT scan was clear!

Laura said...

Caitlin,
God's love is awesome and yet I'm so amazed by your perfect trust in Him and His will for your life. What a witness you are of living life unselfishly completely for God. Thank you for sharing your struggles and your joys with others so we can be blessed.
Love, Laura (Ahlberg) Nommik - from back in the orchestra days at SAU :)