Thursday, April 21, 2011

Wings of the Dawn

Last night when I tucked into bed I was scared.

Not of resting, but of falling asleep to anesthesia the next morning. My surgeon had requested a repeat uppper GI scope before scheduling the surgery to remove the tumor. I agreed it needed to be done and mentally I understood the procedure, but my whole body constricted at the thought of being intubated again.

Laying there in the dark my mind fumbled for hymns and verses to steady my heart, but I kept tripping on the vivid terror of waking up on a ventilator the last time they did this procedure. Yes, there had been complications. . . but even months later I still cannot fall asleep with a shirt or blanket snugged close around my neck.

Then a tune slipped between my thoughts and I could breath deep again.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, If I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast."

It is the chorus to a choir song from academy years and the words to one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. These promises have walked me through every chapter of my life thus far. And last night they were my lullaby.

I arrived at the hospital this morning with a greater measure of peace in my heart, but God knew I was still struggling and He had several blessings in store:
When I arrived in pre-op my nurse told me that she has been praying for me every morning because I am on the prayer list at her church, and how glad she was to meet me.
Then God sent Kristin Thomas to come access my extremely positional port - she is in my humble opinion is the best IV team nurse ever! It's nice to have friends in medical places :)
Then another nurse came in and we all had prayer together.

As I turned over and they put the plastic bite block into my mouth the fear swelled up again. God, please help me not to fight them this time, help me not to aspirate. But then a bigger wave rolled over it. . . "If I rise on the wings of the dawn. . . ." and there was peace.

When the Doctor brought the results in he said that the tumor has shrunk a lot - up to 75%!!! I'm so very grateful! I'm still facing a complex and tricky surgery, but the chances of the being able to eradicate the cancer has improved! Thank you for your prayers!

"Even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast."


Family Recipes said...
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Shaila Meharry said...

Dearest sister,
I love you. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for letting the light of Christ shine through you. You are a treasure. And you have touched so many lives through this nightmare because you are recieving with open hands and heart. You are blessed, and will continually be even more blessed. Don't stop looking for the gifts; the moments conatian the strength and joy that you will need.
I love you.

Kelsey said...

That's wonderful, Caitlin! Love you lots!

Dorinda said...

I wasn't at the hospital, but I was praying for you this morning. 75% shrinkage in your tumor is cause for thanksgiving.

FYI Kristin IS the best nurse on the IV team, but I bet she's tired of sticking her friends.

Jackie said...

Dear Caitlin,
I am so thankful for you and that God has brought you so many victories! Thank you for sharing your journey :) I'll be praying for your upcoming surgery, and recovery.

Christen said...

Hurray! I'm soooo glad to hear this. :D I love you!

Christy Joy said...

Yaaayyyy!!!!!!!!! SO excited!!!!! I shall call you SOON! I promise!!!

In the meantime, check out this old blog of mine. It brings back such wonderful memories!

Kristin said...

Caitlin and Dorinda, you are too kind and very much biased I'm afraid. But Dorinda is quite right :) I would much prefer not to be sticking my friends, nor to see them in hospital beds at all. Though, Caitlin, you were the brightest spot in my oddly wonderful, terrible work day :) Love you!

Levi Borrelli said...


A Brazilian Temple, Fort Lauderdale, FL, tem orado sempre por você. Tem sido nossa atividade constante pedir que Deus lhe dê forças e saúde.

Faz uma semana que eu estou no Brasil. Vim para fazer o sermão do casamento do meu filho. Hoje li seu post de 21 de abril.

Este é o meu salmo predileto. Um dia em que eu estava muito triste eu recebi uma carta de minha mãe colocando o Salmo 139 como uma mensagem especial para mim. Ainda hoje, quando tenho momentos de preocupação, angústia, tristeza, ou qualquer outro sentimento ruim, as palavras deste salmo me animam e ajudam.

Talvez hoje você já tenha passado pela cirurgia, mas se ainda não aconteceu, quero lhe deixar uma outra frase do Salmo, versículo 18, para lhe animar a seguir em frente com confiança: "when I awake, I am still with thee".

É isso. Quando você acordar, depois da cirurgia, ainda estará com o Pai Celestial.

Fique com Deus.

Levi Borrelli

4Hisgloryforever said...

Praying for you. Thank you for pouring out your heart here. We are all blessed and inspired, challenged and humbled by what you share.

Amy said...

What a beautiful Psalm of promise! Praying for you, Caitlin!

Katalin said...

Yah!! 75% that's a praise. we're praying for you still. God will give you peace. :) love ya. :)