Showing posts with label Growing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Growing. Show all posts

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Alpine Heights of His Heart


My family gave a musical vesper program at my grandma's church a few weeks ago. What I shared that evening included excerpts from a book by a shepherd on the 23rd Psalm that I read earlier this year. This book is filled with practical insights from every day sheep husbandry that has greatly deepened my understanding of this wellknown psalm. It is on my "highly recommended" list. 

Here is a bit of what I shared from the chapter on the Valley of the Shadow of Death:

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“Many shepherds take their flocks on long drives to distant summer ranges during the summer. The sheep move along slowly, gradually working their way up the mountains behind the receding snow. By late summer they are well up on the remote alpine meadows above the timberline.

With the approach of autumn, early snow settles on the highest ridges. . . Finally, toward the end of the year as fall passes, the sheep are driven back to the ranch headquarters where they will spend the winter. It is this segment of the yearly operation that is described in the last half of the poem.

During this time the flock is entirely alone with the shepherd. They are in intimate contact and under his most personal supervision day and night. All the dangers of rampaging rivers in flood; avalanches; rock slides; poisonous plants; the ravages of predators that raid the flock or the awesome storms of sleet and hail and snow were familiar to David when he wrote this. He had handled his sheep and managed them under all of these adverse conditions. Nothing took him by surprise. He was fully prepared to safeguard his flock and tend them with skill in every circumstance.

In the last verses there is a grandeur, a quietness, an assurance that sets the soul at rest. “I will not fear, for you are with me. . .”

Many Christian people speak of wanting to have mountain top experiences with God. Often we get an erroneous idea about how this takes place. It is though we imagined we could be “air lifted” onto higher ground. On the rough trail of the Christian life this is not so. As with ordinary sheep management, so with God’s people, 

One only gains higher ground by climbing up through the valleys.

There is a second reason why sheep are led to the mountain tops by the way of the valleys. Not only is this the way of the gentlest grades, but also it is the well watered route. During the journey the flocks experience intense thirst. How glad they are for the frequent watering places along the valley route where they can be refreshed. As Christians we will sooner or later discover that it is in the valleys of our lives that we find refreshment from God Himself.

A third reason why the rancher chooses to take his flock into the high country by way of the valleys is that this is generally were the richest feed and best forage is to be found along the route. The shepherd wants to be sure there will not only be water but also the best grazing available for the ewes and their lambs. Generally, the choicest meadows are in these valleys along the stream banks." 

~A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23

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In my own life journey, specifically with cancer, I have found this to be solid true. In every dark crisis and challenge God has proved his consistent and gentle care. 

It may be hard for some to imagine how refreshment could be found in what, from all outward appearances, seems to be a dangerous and dismal place. As a human, I instinctively fear darkness – but with God I am secure - even joyful. As David wrote in another psalm, “ Not even dark is dark to you. Night will shine like the day.” 

Though there are hard decisions to make. But though there is grief - I am not afraid of cancer. 

God is with me. 

The dangers of the journey are not unknown to Him. As we walk along together I am in wonderment at His tenderness, surprised at His provision for the smallest needs, and joyful in His love. 

The view from the trail is stunning. 

May all your valleys become passages to the alpine heights of His heart.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Choosing Joy

"I don't have any good news for you today." My oncologist came - all slumped,

He explained the PET/CT results - metastasis to my lungs and multiple lymph nodes. We talked about treatment options and he printed out the information on the standard set of chemo therapy. Lots of questions.

"So with this level of metastasis how much time do you think I have?"

"6-12 months. . . it's hard to say." There were tears in his eyes.

The past couple of weeks have been a blur. I have been praying for wisdom for many complex decisions. Doing the research. Spending time with family.

The EBUS procedure to biopsy on one of the nodules in my lung was positive for cancer (The same type as last year).
The Echo was normal and showed a strong heart.
Sifting the research on clinical trials - made easier by amazing spreadsheets put together by friends.
A second opinion visit at Vanderbilt offered little new information
A trip to National Institute of Health for further insight into clinical trials.

After much prayer and thorough investigation into many options, I have decided not to pursue traditional medical treatment and have chosen instead an alternative therapy approach. Including lots of juicing and a mostly raw diet, charcoal and clay treatments, hydrotherapy, daily jogging, and lots of sun. So far energy is increasing and I feel more energetic than I have this entire year so far.

Each day God has been hugging my heart with the most beautiful blessings. Each day a journey of choosing joy.

So what is one to do when the doctor says you only have 6 months? Some would consider it a death sentence. How do you live with a deadline? If my days are numbered how shall my life count?

Some people have bucket lists to be filled up with souvenirs of experiences. But while life experiences are gifts, to make a gift a goal seems a narrow purpose. Should our focus be on pouring out rather than gathering in? Giving to others gifts of the heart. . . of eternal value?

As my friend Ann wrote;

"Because not only have we been given the most fantastic story of Grace to share, but the only thing worth gaining is the memory of the giving of yourself — and that will outlast time."

On August 6, 2012 I remember that I wrote in my journal, "God, please teach me how to live like this. Poured out in free flowing gratitude to You."

Truly, the most ancient man has only lived a brief breath of history. And what takes our breath away  - they are the moments worth counting. Moments measured in quality - not quantity.

Wealth is measured in joy. And I am the richest person on earth!

"Blessed is the Lord, who daily loads us with benefits, the God of our salvation!" Psalm 68:19

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Recent Joy


My new grandpa! (pictures to come later :)
When grandma sings
Surprise visit from from my Brazilian family 
Harp music
Wild blueberry crops to come
Aunt Lyn joy
Cross-cultural Issues class
Paul and Petra - energetically teaching life lessons
God's gracious providences
A Danish blessing sung 

Mothers day celebrations
Grandpa Ken making hickory whistles for all us kids
Blasting ridiculous noises across the fields
Fat green figs swelling under fragrant leaves
Twin kids - only a day old!
Cuddling the soft little ones
Fuzzy chicks scuttling like a lost cloud
His old blue grass records

Kiwi - found with a song
Practical parables of God's heart
Sunlight treetops
Evening light warming wood floors
Hammocks slung sturdy
Quartet fun
Sock skating on slick floors
A metal turning demonstration
Clover fields - sweet smelling in the sun

Friday, December 23, 2011

An Unexpected Song

When the doctors said, "Well, because she is young we will do everything we can. . ."

I knew that their professional optimism didn't stretch far at all.
Knowing. That the only way to breathe steady each moment was my surrender to His wisdom.
That I must trust my dreams, my people, and my heart to His keeping.

For whatever divine reason - He chose to give another breath. And then I breathed the daffodills and earthscents of spring. Watching the wildflowers blend into the green grace of summer. There were months of prayer, choosing to trust and deep heart searching. Coming to realize I have no right to the priveledge of life over any other person. Life is Gift.

Every moment is pure grace. Each small detail is extravegance.

He gave the gift of attending my cousins wedding in July, completing chemo in August, and visiting dear heart family across the eastern states in Semptember. I have been gifted with crimson leaves, tangerine skies, and the shadows of angels. Completing the circle of seasons all the way to the cheery Christmas lights, the caroling, and contemplative joy.

He has graced me with cancer.

Now, I more fully comprehend His love. In the lives of those I love, I have touched the fulfillment of years of prayers. My trust in God is growing organic. The values of my heart are rooting deep and sure. Where I have lost physical strength I have gained a rugged confidence in His care.

And honestly, I wouldn't trade it in for anything.

Yes it has been hard. I have cried freely, stumbled hard and wondered if I could even try again... But all things taken into account - This has been the best year of my life so far!


"The Father's presence encircled Christ, and
nothing befell Him but that which infinite love permitted for the blessing of the world.
Here was His source of comfort, and it is for us.
He who is imbued with the Spirit of Christ abides in Christ.
The blow that is aimed at him falls upon the Saviour, who surrounds him with His presence.
Whatever comes to him comes from Christ.
He has no need to resist evil, for Christ is his defense. Nothing can touch him except by our Lord's permission, and "all things" that are permitted "work together for good to them that love God."
~ Thoughts from the Mount of Blessing


Like an unexpected song.
An unexpected song - that is only just beginning. . .

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Slow growing...

"What do you think I am - an invalid?" Thrusting my feet down I forced the wheelchair to an abrupt halt, "I can walk just fine. My blood pressure would have to be lower than 88/60 for me to pass out. Trust me!"

"Caitlin! The nurse said you have to!"

"I'm going to walk." I snapped, gathering up my water bottle, purse, and orders for IV fluids. I stepped to the side and headed for the entrance. Shaila in a puddle of exasperation.

"Are you done with that wheelchair?" I heard a grandmotherly woman sweetly ask. Shaila nodded resignedly and turned to follow me.

"You're just like Papa!" She fumed, referring to my grandfathers' legendary obstinacy, "And I don't mean that to be a compliment!"

Ignoring her comment I trudge to the low wall outside the drop off for the cancer center and sit down, suddenly cold from the wind and weaker then I would admit. I knew I needed to budget energy for walking into the infusion center on the other side of the hospital.

"You can just pick me up when you drive by."

And I shivered grace-less. Sick. Stubborn. Rude... Again.

And I sat on cold stone and spat truth at myself. Each time I journey into grace to learn His footsteps I circle back to the same spot of ungratefulness. Hurting those I love the most and barricading myself with pretended self sufficiency.

Forgive me, for I know what I am doing. It is not what I want - nor His wish either.

But this I still seek: to "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 3:18

Growing is slow.
Grace beautiful.

And His Love is more stubborn then I can ever be.

For this - I am so grateful.