Here. . . is worship

Newly turned earth under my green running shoes crumbles away from my steps and I wonder why in the shadow of the house I thought to go back for a scarf. Unlayering, I pause for my tremoloing heart to slow.

Fresh air carries sunlight into my lungs and I grin back at the mountain behind me, and then turn to the half a mountain yet to climb. The new trail blends into an old switchback. I've walked this one once before a long time ago when Alice and I meandered long about life, love, and God.

My feet climb steady again. And I smile, remembering children feet flying along bluffs and fields and the blue of mountain ridges framing their world. An echo of the same color in the mountains that surround these hills. Sun fills my eyes as I top the trail breathless.

Sheer beauty flung as far as my eyes can see. The hearty wind dries my joy tears before they can spill far and tosses the crows higher into the updraft from the valley floor. They soar and dive and chase each other into the sun. Laughter spins me too - to be here again! On this trail my heart knew so well. To breathe in this 360 view once more - to be alive!

I try to memorize it all over again with my eyes. From rock to rock I travel along this bridge between worlds until I find a perfect granite perch in the sun. Folding up, face into the wind, I drink long and silent.

Emptying myself of words.

One Thousand Gifts

Last week I read the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. An exquisitely written journey of learning gratitude in ordinary, mundane, and even in the hard places that fill our earth days.

In response to pondering these insights, I have been writing a list of 1,000 blessings to enhance my awareness of His love. It has been delightful! There is a joy in acknowledging the beauty around me that I often rush past, and writing them down is a way to say Thank-you! I am surrounded by the symphony of His love - expressed in these - and so much more!

Here is a sampling from my journal:

1 Morning Sunlight on my face

5 That my cancer is only stage III

7 Sky puddles spring blue

9 Pussy-willow velvet

10 A new palm frond opening

14 A hemoglobin of 13

15 Wearing wool warmth

16 Chickadees wiping their beaks

17 Last years leaves underfoot

28 Breathing

30 Early stillness

37 Spring taste in snow peas

46 Jennie's cooking

49 Strength to clean up supper

50 Breath to climb the hill

55 New fallen snow

57 Sore legs, muscles building

58 Luscious raspberries

59 Snow dust dancing

63 White tissue paper and raffia

70 Christy hugs

72 Planning surprises under the sink

75 Sabbath

76 Balsam Wreath Candle

83 Violin cello medley

85 Guitar songs by Timothy

86 Wooden frog calls

87 Ivan's humor

88 Daddy's laughter

92 Friends filling the house

96 Close harmony

97 Nana's prayers

100 Joel's visit

101 Sudanese children singing praises

108 Wind in my hair

109 Squirrels tumbling through leaves

111 Mrs. Eller's faith

115 Cardinal's sunrise song

117 Prismed light on cupboards

120 Eyes to breath in wonder

124 Roses from Daddy

124 Picnicking along the Tennessee River

128 Windy Ridge-tops

131 Megan's voice like island sunshine

134 Rest for the journey

135 Kelsey's gift of beautiful music

138 Elgar Enigma variations - Nimrod

137 Hayden string quartet in C, Op. 76

139 Cards from cousin Zeb's 5th grade class

140 Laughing so hard I cried

141 Her rendition of the 23rd Psalm

143 Rutter's choral compositions

145 Nathan hugs

146 Dramatic exclamations by Christy

147 Parrot feet on my neck

150 One more walk with Christy Joy

153 For the color purple

All the way...

Hymn # 516 has been, arguably, my favorite hymn for quite some time. It has become a life anthem. Written by a little blind lady who knew what it meant to be led. To trust and thank the hand that leads. She had knew that trusting gratitude births joy. And joy ushers one into the presence of God. The place I am called to live - content.

Yesterday this music was given to me again from a kindred heart far away:

All the way my Savior leads me, what have I to ask besides?
Can I doubt His tender mercy who through life has been my guide?
Heavenly peace, divinest comfort, here by faith in Him to dwell;
For I know whatever befalls me, Jesus doeth all things well.

All the way my Savior leads me, cheers each winding path I tread;
Gives me grace for every trial, feeds me with the living bread;
Though my weary steps my falter, and my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the rock before me, Lo, a spring of joy I see.

All the way my Savior leads me; O the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised in my Fathers house above;
When I wake to life immortal, wing my flight to realms of day,
This my song through endless ages Jesus led me all the way.

This my song through endless ages - Jesus led me all the way!

The blessing of cancer.

1. Cancer unites people.

The dark uncertainty of the disease summons the best out of humanity. And this beauty in a hard place is a God gift that brings healing on levels perhaps not possible without the pain. The restoration of hearts is a miracle of greater value then physical soundness.

My family has already grown stronger through these past weeks and I know that God will continue to bring good things in His time.

2. Cancer slows everything down. On an ordinary day life's precious moments flit past to fast anyway. Moments taken for granted are less, unnoticed and often missed altogether.

Cancer is helping me to be awake.

Alive. Alert.

And grateful for each moment.

This week I'm grateful for the following:

My family. Each one a treasure in my heart.

For the still moments when I lay stretched in the sunshine across the end of my bed and watch the wrens enjoying the suet block outside my bedroom window. Puffed in downy fluff, their cocky tails flicking as they chirp their approval at the treat.

Energy to sit through my little brothers basketball game. Enjoying the high energy speed of the game and the swish of my brothers' .

Heart to heart talks with dear friends. Our words that connect and bridge and grow our lives.

Sitting curled up on the couch opening stacks of mail from everyone I've ever known and half of those I don't. Seriously, I never knew it was possible for one person to get so much mail. It's like receiving .hugs from around the world

For the bouquet of sunshine flowers on the table.

Friends who cook me gourmet delicacies to tempt my appetite. Chocolate covered cherries anyone?

My incredible housemates who take care of everything!

Jennie, who can buy the perfect size pants for me on the first try without me being there to try them on! It's nice to have clothes to wear that don't fall off or feel like pajamas because their so big.

The resident parrot who comes and holds my finger with his little foot to keep me company.

And for my God. Who carries me each day on His strong shoulders and fills my heart with joy.

Comfort Spills

God

The Father of all mercies.
The God of all comfort.

Comforts me.

In all my tribulation.So that I may be able to comfort anyone in trouble. With God comfort.

As suffering abounds in me, my consolation in Christ abounds.

If I am afflicted, if I am comforted, it is because God is able to bring salvation and comfort to others that will enable them to endure, to persevere along their own earth journey.

And my hope for you is strong and sure. I know from personal experience that your suffering will never outweigh the consolation of God's comfort.

Life's burdens are immeasurable - beyond the capabilities of my strength.

Even though I have the sentence of death in myself . . . in this present case - stage III cancer. . . I learn to not trust myself - but to trust my God - the God who raises the dead. Who also resurrects the dead places of my heartscape, bringing quietude, grace, and life.

God has delivered me from the death of hope. He is delivering. He will continue to deliver.

And you, dear ones, by joining in prayer for and with me, create a geyser of human gratitude for the gift of our God's comfort and grace.

A gift that grows from heart to heart.

Paraphrased by Caitlin

2nd Corinthians Chapter 1:3-11

The wind blown look?

One of my oncologists recommended that I cut my hair. He said that it will decrease the chances of me loosing all of it. Even though I'm okay with being bald for awhile I decided to go short for now and see what happens. I've always wondered what it would be like to have really short hair. Cancer is a wonderful incentive to chop it off and try something new! So I asked my sister Shaila to bring some scissors and have fun with it.

It was an awful sound that I will never forget - that first cut. But I'm glad I did it!

Freshly washed - we'll see what it does . . . It'll take a few days of playing with it and I think I'll have her bring me some hair gel.

But I like it! It's restored a measure of spunk after being um... a bit under the weather lately. Shaila did a fine job - in spite of my wiggling about.

Additional news: I began my first round of chemo treatments today. Radiation will begin tomorrow. I'm feeling stronger each day since the surgery last Friday. There have been some hard challenges, but God is faithful and He is carrying me through this. Thank you for the prayers, cards, flowers, emails and endless showers of love that have been sent. Each thought and visit warms my heart and I am grateful to each of you for your love!

His song is with me!

An off the record lab draw.
A trip to the ER.
Hemoglobin = 4
12 units of blood
2 scopes
A night on the ventilator

Diagnosis: signet cell adenocarcinoma of the EG junction
No evidence of metastasis!

Facing port placement, feeding tube, radiation, chemo therapy and surgery.

I have peace.

"The Lord will command His loving kindness in the daytime,
And at night His song shall be with me -
A prayer to the God of my life." Psalms 42:8

Thank you for your prayers!
You are loved!